


Wildflowers

by the_space_between1013



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, death and acceptance, mother's grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-14 10:05:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9175786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_space_between1013/pseuds/the_space_between1013
Summary: Fifteen years later after the events at the farm, Carol goes back. To remember. To say hello. To say goodbye and move on.





	

It looked different, the farm. Weeds had grown over so much of the land, but Carol could still make out the large tree under which she slept. She waded through the thigh high brush, a fistful of flowers in her hand, the whisper of feet behind her, allowing her to visit where she’d not trod for years. It had been 15 years since they buried her little girl. Judith was grown, Carl too. Maggie and Glenn had had a little boy, who was now ten and Rick and Michonne had finally made official what they’d all seen years before. People had come and gone over the years in Alexandria, moved on with their lives, but Carol hadn’t been able to do so. Not until now.

The breeze whipped her scarf, loosely wrapped around her neck, into her face, bringing a flash of cooler air before settling back into warmth. It was the end of summer now, the days shorter, nights longer. She’d traveled only by day, better to be cautious. It had taken her a few weeks to get up the courage to come back. What had she feared? That she wouldn’t find her? That it had changed so much she would not be able to locate her daughter? Carol’s fears were allayed.

The wind blew gently as she knelt down, the old cross marker broken and so much tinder now. Here her baby lay. Beneath the oak tree covered in moss softly swaying rested Sophia. This space remained quiet and free of the desiccated bodies that littered the land. Sacred space, she thought. Maybe God had helped keep it this way. So the remaining walkers wouldn’t desecrate Sophia’s resting place. Her baby wasn’t here any longer. She knew that, but it was the last remaining link to her daughter, the last tangible connection. They’d lit out of here so quickly all those years ago, her heart hammering as she’d clamored onto Daryl’s bike. She’d not really had time to make peace with what had happened, how suddenly she’d lost her baby girl.

The way she’d been right there in front of her beneath that car, brown eyes wide with terror, and then gone the next second. And those horrible hours that had dragged on for what seemed like years waiting for resolution. Waiting for an answer. She’d just wanted to know. Not knowing was worse. So much worse than what they’d found just a few days later. Her shuffling feet, the sunken eyes and rasping growls. A tiny part of her had been relieved. At least then she’d known. One way or the other. To have not known…that would have been torture.

Still, here she was, to say hello. To say goodbye. To move on. Carol laid the fistful of white and yellow blooms on her grave. Sophia’s favorite color had been yellow. Never pink like so many other girls. Closing her eyes, she opened herself up to listen for her here. Silly, she knew. She could hear and find her anywhere, even up in Alexandria, but she felt her here more than she ever did when she listened for her there. She could see her in her mind’s eye, gangly and tall for her age, small-boned, but sturdy. Her smile lit up Carol’s heart.

_Mama, when I grow up, I want to be big and strong, like Mr. Rick, Sophia had whispered into her neck, cuddling into her on the small cot within their even smaller tent, one small finger looping over and over through a loose thread on her shirt. And boys get bigger than girls, but I want to be as tall as Carl when he’s older._

_Mr. Rick ate all of his food, that’s how he got to be big and strong. So you have to eat what I give you then, Carol uttered softly, both because it was night and because she didn’t want to wake up the drunk only feet from them._

_But then you won’t have any food._

_Don’t you worry about that now._

Carol opened her eyes briefly, alert to the smallest sound, the twig lightly crunching under a boot heel.

But she hadn’t grown up. While Carl had reached his 28th birthday a few weeks ago, so much like his father, Sophia was still small. Still just 12 years old. But her baby was in a better place and she’d made peace a long time ago with the events that had happened on that dusty highway and the barn that sat dilapidated just a few hundred yards away. At least, she thought she had. But being here now, it was dredging up all those old emotions and thoughts, the feelings of guilt, remorse, grief, and the disappointment and self-loathing that she could have done better. Should have done better.

The sensation of a light tug of her slightly longer locks, still shorn short, but curled at the ends, had Carol opening her eyes. Her beautiful daughter was in front of her, her favorite dress on, white with blue roses and a ribbon around her waist. Her hair shone so bright that it was almost hard to look at her. One hand had reached up to loop a finger over and over in her hair. _Mama, it wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault._

A lump had formed in her throat so hard and thick she couldn’t talk. But Sophia seemed to hear her voice anyway. _I should have protected you. I was your mama and it was my job to protect you. I failed you._

_Mama, you protected me when I needed it most, from daddy. What happened after…it just happened. It wasn’t anything you could have stopped and there wasn’t anything you could have done. I ran off. I was the one who got spooked by the sounds coming from nearby and didn’t stay on the path to the road. I was the one who got lost. It happened the way it was going to happen. The way it was supposed to._

Old grief, long buried, rose up. _Mothers are supposed to protect their children._

_You did what you could. There was nothing more that you could have done. Besides, I’m in such a place, Mama….I play all day up here and Ms. Lori is here and Ms. Andrea is teaching me how to fly fish. I’m waiting for you, Mama, but I can wait a while more._

_I’m glad you’re at peace there. That you’re in heaven. All children should go to heaven._ Carol’s internal voice was broken, hoarse. God she missed her little girl. _I wish I could hold you, Soph. I miss having you in my arms. I miss seeing you, even if it has been fifteen years._

Sophia’s eyes softly misted over. _Me too, but not yet. I’ve got to go now, but I just want you to know. There’s nothing to forgive, so I won’t say it. Just know I love you and I’ll be waiting for you. And give Uncle Daryl a kiss for me._

A soft, bittersweet smile slipped slowly over Carol’s face as she watched Sophia’s form dissipate. Was it real? Or was that a delusion? Had her mind played a trick on her? A search deep inside found a kernel of peace that hadn’t been there before. Her heart had always felt restless, like she was searching for something, but now, she felt still. Everything inside felt quiet. Content, if a little achy.

Pressing a kiss to her fingertips, she touched the rickety cross and the dry earth at her feet before rising.

“Ready?” he asked behind her, a hand outstretched to take hers.

Carol looked at him, his blue eyes bright, handsome face weathered by age and the sun and smiled as she realized. She would always see her daughter. He might not be her biological father, but she would always see Sophia in him, remember the way he tried so desperately to find her baby girl. Slipping her hand in his, she looked into his warm blue eyes. They held so much, compassion for her, love, and a grief she read about as deep as her own.

“Yes,” she replied, “I’m ready to go back.” She didn’t say to go home because she already was home. Home was wherever he was. And as they walked through the high grasses back to the car, Carol didn’t look back. She didn’t have to. Her future lay in front of her.


End file.
